Relationship with ourself
A journey of soul searching and recreating a deeper sense of self through the windy road called life.
Sometimes, life lessons hide and are only seen after the storm. How we brave the challenges thrown in our direction will direct our spiritual growth and relationship with ourselves, thereby reshaping our inner world.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a gardener. I just loved the smell of watered soil, fresh-cut grass, and new flowers planted by our gardener. I enjoyed watching the nurturing process and its reflection of beauty. Who would think that fifty years later, I would reflect on this very moment with a fresh perspective on loving oneself? Cultivating self-love was something I had lost over the past few decades. Life spun in a direction I never dreamed of, but was it a path I needed to walk?
I blossomed into a beautiful abstract thinker; I sought independence and rebelled at the thought of “a normal life.” I grew up in Argentina in a Catholic family with four siblings and my grandmother. My uncle was a priest, and he visited us every Sunday. My sense of duty was intense, and a world of how things should be was my guideline. I have always been a helper since a young girl, and later in life, I would be called to serve others spiritually. However, my family groomed me to follow the family tradition, go to college, get married, and be a stay-at-home mom.
I soon followed into the path of my father, who I admired. He was a quiet man and the moral compass of our family. He gave me a sense of peace and security with his comforting, grounding energy. After graduating as a Certified Public Accountant right after turning twenty-three, I started my professional work life, switching from field to field until I landed a junior consultant job. I look back now and can see that I settled a lot. My expectations were not defined; I was not in tune at all with my deeper self, and this was reflected in my love life. I struggled with relationships, unsure of what I wanted, and kept breaking them off.
At twenty-eight, I went against the norm and spontaneously rented an apartment with my best friend. Was I going against the grain, or was I beginning to follow my destiny? Either way, the life lessons I was about to endure would shatter my inner sense of being
The Journey Begins
On a work-related trip to Brazil, I met my soon-to-be husband, a US Navy helicopter pilot, T. Wilson. Encountering this man of strength and power intrigued me. He held a lot of similar qualities that my father had. I felt this inner pull or itch – a desire for adventure. We had an instant connection, one deeper than I had ever experienced in past relationships. What was it about this man that was about to pull me away from everything I knew? What came out of my mouth a week later when telling my friends and family about him was baffling. I shocked everybody in my life when I said that after a short three-day whirlwind romance, I would marry this man tomorrow if I could.
I guess those words were heard somewhere, perhaps by some higher power or inner will, as thirty days later, after calling the Naval Attaché to ask him to send a wire to a lieutenant on the ship with my phone number, and against my father’s will, I was visiting him in Chile because his ship was there for repair. Fast forward ten months and we married in Argentina. I uprooted from my life there to live on a military base in the States.
We had only spent three months and ten days together before we got married; I lived in a world I didn’t understand. The language, history, and culture were all new to me, and I was faced with the “now what”? As a military wife of a man I‘d only known for a short time, I was literally alone and about to discover who I was? Like a Frida Kahlo painting, the depths of soul searching are raw and colorful. During this period in my life, I went totally against my inner will: I swept up my two kids and moved worldwide. My continual soul searching brought me to energy work. I discovered Reiki, the art of healing, that blew my mind. Like the gardener nurturing flowers, I was preparing myself for the next spiritual journey. After thirty-one years of marriage, following my military husband’s stride, my voice grew strong, like a caged animal. I needed to be free and we divorced. The first time in my life, at sixty-one, I am on my own and not alone. An astrologer once told me that the soul’s adult journey does not really begin until our late twenties with the life lessons that grow into our soul purpose.
I felt inferior and more uncertain than I had ever felt in my entire life. My spiritual work taught me to let go of attachments, hopes, and expectations to dive deeper to heal. What was left inside was strong, bright, raw, willing, and ready for more! I discovered that I had this toolbox of wisdom, a rule book that I share with my Reiki and Life Coaching clients.
- The humility to go through the emotional process – sadness, sorrow, and fear – as a powerful face-to-face recognition of myself.
- The resilience to recover my shape and inner strength.
- The understanding that my life is not determined by what happens out there but by the relationships I create with what happens.
- The deep trust in Life and a Supreme Order.
- The purpose of contributing my uniqueness to this world is using what I have to give.
- The ability and skill to connect with others and ask for help. I couldn’t have made it alone without the support of others.
- The true understanding that I am a work in progress. We are a possibility, not a final story.
- The certainty that unless I let go of the “shoulds and shouldn’ts,” I won’t be living my life, but somebody else’s.
- Knowing that unless I look inside and continue to disrupt what is, by pausing and reflecting, by listening to that subtle and genuine voice, by feeling the inner itch, I may continue to live in the normal…. state of numbness.
- The realization that going with a “why not?” and the risks involved to create and grow is by far way better than having to deal with the “what if?” and a list of regrets years later.
I have discovered a level of creativity within me that I had never seen before. I feel this is a new stage in my life, laden with alternative possibilities never before thought of. I am filled with enthusiasm to move on and ahead with my life.
So this is the conclusion I have come to: do I want to embrace discomfort and grow or would I rather stay in the known and comfortable, being part of where I don’t belong anymore, and become stale?
My choice is this: pause, disrupt, take a step back, and release the slingshot. My life is different, but so is everybody’s. You and I are unique. We are meant to live the way only we know how to live. To find that edge and angle and find that YOU way of living has purpose and meaning.
For sure, there is one question I never want to ask myself: Where is the life I lost while living?